


his love tastes like leaving

by orphan_account



Series: parallel universes (aka my prompt fills) [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Baltimore, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Sadness, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:53:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24724831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: kevin had known a day like this would be coming.it doesn't stop neil's sudden disappearance from hurting so much more.(a reimagining of baltimore, where kevin and neil were together).from tumblr prompts: "is the weight of it all finally too heavy?", "can i have one last kiss?" & "did you expect this to turn out better?"
Relationships: Kevin Day/Neil Josten
Series: parallel universes (aka my prompt fills) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1774495
Comments: 6
Kudos: 93





	his love tastes like leaving

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: implied past abuse (leaving this here out of an abundance of caution, but it is not referenced explicitly)

Post-game adrenaline thrummed gleefully through Kevin’s veins as he and the rest of the Foxes filtered into the locker room. The air vibrated with excited conversations and a few choruses of laughter, and Kevin basked in the noise of it all. 

These moments, between matches and journeys home where his anxieties and fears melted away, all overpowered by the joy and fury of the game, were the moments he lived for. Just for a second, Kevin felt a smile tugging treacherously at his own face, and he turned away before anyone could see him.

He spotted Neil and Andrew sitting together in the corner, tucked away from everyone else. They looked deep in conversation, from the way Andrew’s brows were drawn together and Neil was leaning toward him. Kevin didn’t think much of it - for some reason, the two of them could talk for hours if they had the time - and headed into the shower instead. He would have all the time he wanted to be with Neil once they were done and back on the bus.

Shutting his eyes, Kevin leaned against the wall and let the hot water soak into his already aching muscles. His shoulders sagged with relief at the feeling, and for a few minutes, Kevin let himself get lost in warmth and soreness.

Once he finished and changed into clean clothes, Kevin headed out into the lounge. He let the sound of the Foxes’ voices wash over him as he stood by the back, taking it all in.

Neil came into the lounge a long while later, face drawn and eyes on the ground. Nicky exclaimed, “Hey, Neil! We were starting to think you’d drowned in there.”

“I’m sorry,” Neil said, as the rest of the team began to gather their things. Without saying anything else, he grabbed Kevin’s arm and pulled him into a more secluded part of the room.

“What are you doing?” Kevin asked when Neil tightened his grip on his shoulders. He looked down to meet the younger boy’s gaze, and any other questions immediately stumbled and faltered when he noticed the strange, wavering glimmer in Neil’s eyes.

“Kevin,” he said. The undercurrent of urgency in his voice tugged Kevin in like a riptide, and didn’t let him go. “You know you are the best out there, right?”

They were words he’d heard many times before, but for some reason they were another language coming from Neil. Strung together with honesty and gravity, the words clung onto Kevin until they were rewritten into his memory.

“Neil,” he breathed, lifting a hand to press against his cheek. His thumb rested just underneath the harsh four inked beneath Neil’s eye, the number standing out starkly against smooth, tan skin.

Ignoring Kevin and the rest of the Foxes who were staring at them, Neil went on, “Tell me you know that. _Promise_ me.”

His ice blue eyes burned with fire. Something told Kevin that Neil wouldn’t let him go until he conceded, and his heart twisted almost angrily at the thought of it.

Because just as powerful as the rare honesty in Neil’s eyes was the shadow in his mind that just kept whispering - 

_Number two. Second place._

_Always._

But he pushed the voice aside, for a second. Kevin was strong enough to do that. Instead, he nodded, meeting Neil’s gaze. 

“Okay,” he said. “Okay. I know.”

Neil’s grip on his shirt finally loosened, and he nodded. Cutting the moment short was Wymack’s voice echoing through the room.

“Get a move on, Foxes! We have to go. Now.”

Kevin straightened up, started moving away, but Neil’s voice stopped him again.

“Hey.”

When Kevin turned back around, there was a new, small but crooked smile on Neil’s face. It looked like a bittersweet spring - the lovely kind that flickered by too soon.

He stood there, waiting for Neil to formulate his words. 

(Kevin was never patient - he was always _now_ , immediately, _burn-it-now-and-clean-the-ashes-later_ ).

((But that was just another thing Neil was slowly teaching him)).

The striker looked away for a moment, jaw clenching hard. A few electric seconds passed between them, before he lifted his head and murmured, “Can I have one last kiss?”

Kevin frowned at the strange choice of words, at how they seemed so _final_ for such a simple request, but he reached out and tugged Neil forward anyway. The boy nearly fell into his arms, but Kevin caught him and cradled him. He thought he could hear Allison’s loud murmur about winning a bet and Nicky’s gasp - but the attention didn’t matter to him. 

When they kissed, it was softer this time. Where there was usually fire and strained passion, there was only slowness, and something else that felt a little too tender and gentle for two boys so rough and severe around the edges. But it was still more than enough to make the blood rush in Kevin’s ears, until his head spun and heart pounded, so loudly he wondered if Neil could hear it too.

Pulling away after a long moment, he tried to search Neil’s eyes. Kevin could feel his breath quivering against his face, but before he could do anything else, Neil was wriggling out of his arms too soon.

“Go ahead,” he said softly, shouldering his duffel bag. “I’ll catch up.”

“Neil - ” Kevin tried to say again, but before he could go on, he was being pulled away by a security guard.

“Get a move on,” the man said gruffly, ushering him outside. 

Almost immediately, he was assaulted by the stench of alcohol and sweat. Most of their fans had gathered outside on the stadium lawn to either hail or curse the Foxes as they headed back toward the bus. Kevin let the hurled insults and cheers roll right off of him until someone threw an empty beer bottle at them. Aaron cursed loudly, and Kevin whipped his head around to see Andrew brandish a knife and cold glare. 

The violence quickly escalated. Kevin barely managed to dodge a flying fist, and he saw Renee deftly twist someone’s arm that got a little too close to Allison. He didn’t know how long it took for them to get to the bus, only that by the time they did, almost all the Foxes were sporting new bruises and wounds. 

Wymack cursed colorfully. “Is everyone alright?” he demanded as Abby hurried around the bus to check on them. The crowds were beginning to disperse now that the teams were gone, and Kevin found himself looking to his side almost instinctively. Maybe to say something to Neil, or to grab onto him and ask if he was okay, but - 

There was nothing.

No one was there.

 _Neil_ wasn’t there.

Cold dread iced over any leftover adrenaline he still felt. Kevin looked around the bus, counting and recounting the numbers.

There were only eight of them.

“Neil isn’t here.” The words came out on their own, surreal and terribly _wrong_. Andrew was the first one to catch on, eyes widening just a fraction as he stood up. Wymack frowned, muttering something about the worst timing in the world, but Kevin’s ears were ringing too loudly to hear him. 

He was out of the bus before anyone else could stop him. Ignoring the calls of his name, he dialed Neil’s number and let it ring for too long, with no answer. He sprinted onto the now-deserted campus, shoes crunching over broken glass and debris, looking around wildly.

Memories of their kiss in the lounge flashed through his head. Memories, of how Neil had coaxed a confession and a promise out of Kevin so urgently, so earnestly.

 _He should’ve known something was wrong_.

Kevin could hear shouts behind him as the rest of the Foxes unboarded the bus to follow him. The calls mixed in with yells of Neil’s name as they too began to realize - 

One of them was gone. 

Sick panic churned deep beneath Kevin’s bones as he called Neil again, to no avail. 

Neil would never leave. Not when he knew what it would cost the Foxes, not when they had already gone so far. 

_Not voluntarily_ , a helpful voice in his head supplied.

All his life, Kevin had been taught to hold himself back. Never lash out, and never show what he could truly do.

But something about this tore all those inhibitions away, leaving behind only raw wounds and open terror. 

Neil had quickly become someone Kevin couldn’t afford to lose. He poked and stoked at Kevin’s flame until it roared into a real fire, eating away the shadows and leaving behind only unrestrained light. He aggravated him, infuriated him, pushed him, until he had no other choice but to stumble out of the darkness Riko had left him in. He forced Kevin to rise up, with sharp words and rare, knowing smiles and blazing kisses.

He was the storm that uprooted everything Kevin knew, leaving behind only new ground and new seasons to reclaim.

Neil’s disappearance left a gaping hole in Kevin’s side, a gnawing burden. Suddenly, he was carrying all of the universe’s gravity inside him. 

_Is the weight of it all finally too heavy?_ a scathing voice whispered in his head. 

It didn’t matter. Kevin didn’t care who saw him. He would raze this entire stadium to the ground, reputation and Exy be damned, if it meant finding Neil again.

The familiar sound of a ringtone pulled him from his whirling thoughts. Kevin looked at the source of the noise, his phone almost slipping from his hands as he took in what he saw.

Neil’s duffel bag sat, battered and dirty, several feet away from the lounge. Beside it was his racquet, only slightly smeared and someplace where it didn’t belong.

He never would have left his things like that, Kevin thought distantly as something in him dropped and shattered. Stumbling over, he shoved his hand into the bag and brought out Neil’s phone. 

It displayed all the missed calls from Kevin, and another from an unknown number. 

It’d been years, but he could recognize the area code in a heartbeat.

 _Baltimore_.

An unrecognizable sound tore from his throat, some combination of a sob and a gasp. Kevin fell to his knees, ignoring the glass digging into his skin, knuckles turning white around the useless device.

Neil was a boy of constant changes, but from the day they first met, eight years ago, to their last game just then, one thing had always remained the same.

He was a spring blossom. Beautiful and ethereal while he lasted, defying the heavy world with his power.

And gone, in a flash.

Neil had said he wouldn’t make it. Both he and Kevin had known that.

Yet, they were trapped with grief. Making promises they knew they would never be able to keep, making plans for a future they knew one of them wouldn’t live to experience.

(And what was the point of continuing a story, with such a monumental loss in the middle?)

But somewhere along the way, Kevin had fallen for those tricks and stories. He’d fallen, too hard, for the boy he’d loved since childhood, the boy whose realest thing about his identity was his fire that could never be put out.

 _You should have been Court_ , Kevin had said, knowing full-well that this was what would happen.

That Neil wouldn’t make it.

Bowing down, pressing the cold phone against his forehead, Kevin shook with what could’ve been a scream.

Through it all, he thought he could hear Neil’s voice, sharp and mercilessly mocking, echoing around him in a dying embrace.

 _Oh, Kevin_ , he would have said. _Did you expect this to turn out better?_

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i am posting a shit ton of writing because it's all i have that makes me feel anything anymore, so please enjoy the product of my madness. any comments/kudos will be forever cherished woot woot
> 
> that being said, hope you all are doing well, and staying safe. i love you all. see ya next update <3


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